Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
this beer tastes like vomit already
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
