there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Randomize
