your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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