I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
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