upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
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