I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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