She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
