Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
