good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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