my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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