I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
