If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
You've changed since you got that strap on
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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