There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
True but thats because hes a fetus.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Randomize
