I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I still have a little drunk in my system
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
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