Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
