i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Randomize