He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
So apparently I’m into choking now
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
