If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
