So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
