i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I touched a dick in church today
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
