Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
