Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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