You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
