I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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