some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
