My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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