I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
