A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Randomize
