i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Is this like a preordered booty call?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
