he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
