I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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