I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
