Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
