after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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