Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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