You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
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