I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
