When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Randomize
