he thought i was a dude.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
