Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
