I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
