Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize