your parents love me but you hate me
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
