I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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