Pappa wants mamma naked
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
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