Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
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