I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
