just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
