You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
