My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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