wrigley field is MILF paradise
I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
