my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
