he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
