a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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