I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I'm always down for nudity.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
