theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
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