i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
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