So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
